Last week I cried watching an episode of the Netflix show "Queer Eye." Great show. Everyone should watch it. As I watched these five gay men uplift and encourage strangers with the utmost sincerity, I crumbled on my garage-sale sofa into a teary-eyed heap. First, I felt it in my core. The pleasant twinge of unexpected emotionality caused my heart and stomach to switch places as a physical response. Then my face pursed, and I gulped big--salty water collecting in the corners of my eye sockets. I knew it was coming, but I fought to keep the tears in. But the men persisted in being amazing, and my love for positivity and acceptance was stronger than my fear of losing this fight for composure. So I cried. Really cried. Kleenexes and sniffles; wet cheeks and damp sleeves.
What is wrong with me?
I wonder this to myself, often. I've always been emotional. Ask any of my brothers. I fought it every time--the instinctual catch in my throat at any sign of embarrassment. Only for it to grow at the first sounds of "man up" or "grow a pair".
I fought it because I was a man. Am a man. Manly. Masculine. I was supposed to fight it, right? Anger. Violence. That's accepted, good even. But crying? Singing in the shower? Playing dress up? That's gay.
Girly.
What's wrong with girly? I wish I'd asked. Even girls would call me girly. I hate to break it to you, but you're a girl. Should you be as ashamed of being a girl as I am of being called one? I wish I'd tested it more--the idea that a certain way of being is only acceptable according to the genitalia you possess.
We all know the catch phrases.
"You play ball like a GIRL." *Everyone gasps*
"She's good at (insert any possible activity that could exist)... for a girl."
"Girls are just weaker, physically. They're more emotional, and they were made to follow and serve men. It's not wrong, it's just 1. the way God created them 2. Evolution."
This isn't a blog post about women, (love you, ladies) but it's a blog post about femininity. I tricked you with the title, didn't I?
I love femininity.
The beauty of femininity. Strength of it. Power, fun, capabilities, and diverse possibilities it contains. Just watch Queer Eye! Five men with "traditionally feminine" tendencies have embraced what makes them unique, and that has allowed them to create the most positive and unintimidating space for each and every guest to experience their insecurities without judgement, simply because they are human. Not masculine; not feminine. Human.
Quick note: There is nothing wrong with masculinity. Nothing. If you are a person (male or female) who feels like you have trouble connecting with your femininity--you feel too masculine or don't feel comfortable with your femininity, there is nothing wrong with you. But, consider this: Think of an insult having to do with cowardliness, or weakness.
Don't be (a/an) . . .
Anything non-gendered come to mind? Any of those gendered options referring to men as the weak or cowardly sex? I didn't think so. It's not your fault. We've socialized each gender into a corner, and now, if you belong to or identify as one sex but instinctively act against the way that sex is traditionally "supposed" to act, you're acting abnormally.
We've constructed a scale; it's how we measure one's right-ness. And, of course, being in a male-dominated society for...ever, it's not so hard to understand how masculinity has become synonymous with the desirable traits like leadership and strength, while femininity is stuck with passivity and gentleness.
What am I saying? And why am I saying it?
I'm saying it's important. And I'm saying it because it's important. Boys all around the world are having their sister's dolls ripped from their hands and replaced with footballs. Girls are picking up a magazine about beauty and wardrobe, shopping and motherhood. Boys are using pornography to discover their sexuality, and girls are being told to protect theirs.
Porn is eroding young boys' minds to see femininity as a trait of pleasure, and masculinity as a way to obtain it. It's why some girls hate what they see in the mirror but don't know why they can't stop looking. It's why boys don't know how to talk about their own body image without getting teased, or just feeling odd--girly.
It's toxic masculinity and rape culture. It's why feminism exists and why it must exist, or these things will never change.
It's the reason so many people in the trans community commit suicide each year. The reason gay men and women find it so difficult to find a community around them. It's the reason so many women are left out of leadership in churches and companies--and these organizations are struggling for it.
I believe men and women exist on a spectrum of masculinity to femininity. Sure, most women lean towards feminine and men towards masculine, but embracing the other side of the spectrum isn't wrong. In fact, it's the most purely human thing we can experience!
I want to live in a world where a 22-year-old man can cry about 5 gay men helping people live their best lives, and for that not to be considered embarrassing. I want my future son to wear dresses if he likes, and I don't want that to be an outrageous thing to say. Girls should be free to aspire to be presidents or surgeons; boys should aspire to be dancers and cheerleaders if that's what they want.
It's all a construct. There is no job, no words, clothes, TV shows, way of being or acting that is too masculine or feminine for either side. Not unless we say so. So let's stop saying so.
Because it matters. It's important. Not because I want to cry at a show when I'm happy, but because people's feelings, their emotions, their mental health, they matter. Male or female, or something else, your emotions are a big deal. And I'm sorry we haven't treated them as such.
For me, that changes today.
Thanks for listening,
I'll talk to you again, soon.
JK